Category Archives: Humor

Humor

Primary Ramblings

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BREAKING NEWS:  Today, millions of Republicans enter walk-in clinics to request anti-depressants as they begin to accept Mitt Romney will be their nominee for president.

“Well, I for one was hoping for someone who’s actually a conservative,”  says  Joseph Cartwright III, conservative talk-radio host and active blogger, as he nursed a bottle of double-malt scotch.  “Romney just doesn’t seem to hate enough sub-groups for my taste.  He’s so wishy-washy on gays, abortion, and minorities.  We need leadership with a deeply-rooted animosity towards these fringes if we’re ever going to get back to the good old days.  At least Romney seems to hate the average American, so that’s something to work with, I guess.  Also, he’s white, so that’s an upgrade.”

Other Republicans, especially Tea Party members, are more scathing.

“I’m just ordnary folk,” claims Cletus McOnetooth, after crushing a beer can on his forehead.  “I want pollytishuns like me running this here country.  Like Sarah Palin.  Where’d she go?  I don’t know the difference between North and South Korea, either, so she’s my kind of girl.  Give me guns and Bibles, not this Ivy League sissy.  I ain’t voting for nobody till she’s back in the race.  I will give him this, at least he’s white, even if he is a Yankee.”

“Now that Romney is almost guaranteed the nomination,” states Dr. Fullofshitz of Fox News.  “Our data show that Republicans are 97.8% fully supporting him.  We at Fox News have been behind Romney all along because we’ve recognized his whiteness from day one.”

“Dr. Fullofshitz is full of shit,” counters Dr. Lottastatz  of the Center for Researching Research.  “The data to which he’s referring shows that 97.8% of Republicans are begrudgingly accepting Romney despite prior affinities for Cain, Paul, Bachmann, and Santorum, and nearly 75% of those Republicans gauge their feelings for Romney as ‘Lukewarm’ at best.  Where do they get this bullshit?”

“Dr. Lottastatz is clearly a socialist,” retorts Dr. Fullofshitz.  “He’s part of the liberal elite who want to muddle simple facts with sophisticated nuances to confuse the average voter.  The Republican Party and Fox News fully endorse Mitt Romney’s whiteness.”

However, the mood at Romney’s headquarters can be described as joyously optimistic.

“The campaign clearly has some strong momentum now these pesky ‘other’ nominees have been out-spent to the point of oblivion,” states an anonymous insider of the Romney campaign.  “We’re now going to rally the conservative base and appeal to independents by spending millions of dollars on advertising that gets to the core of our message.  Here let me show you.”

With that he held up the prototype for the campaign’s general election poster:

MITT ROMNEY:  AT LEAST I’M WHITE

Editor’s Note:  This entry in no way implies that the Tea Party and/or the Republican Party dislike President Obama based solely on the issue of race.  Any inference of that on your part indicates that you, in-fact, are a reverse-racist with clear ties to the former Soviet Union and were born from a test-tube.

Humor

Education Ramblings

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BREAKING NEWS: Local teacher lauded as hero for taking sick day.

After waking up feeling incapable of facing another day lecturing slack-jawed, apathetic students with no thirst for knowledge, Jeffrey Burntout made a heroic decision that has all of education abuzz with praise.  He called in sick and sat on his sofa all day, wearing only his bathrobe and watching “Law and Order” reruns.  Burntout, a high school history teacher, explains his decision candidly:

“Well, if I’d gone to work that day and saw one more student playing on their smart phone instead of listening to my lecture on the Civil War, I might have strangled them right on the spot, so I felt it was best for everyone involved if I just stayed home.  These kids are dumb, really dumb, and they’ve sucked all the joy out of sharing the history of our great nation, a subject I once felt so passionate about.  Now, I contemplate complex murder-suicide plots almost daily.  I just needed a day to myself without grading answers that claim Snoop Dogg convinced Obama to sign the Emancipation Proclamation.”

Burntout has received praise from virtually everyone associated with his school district from the principal to the State Comptroller for Educational Financing.

“It’s really remarkable, what he said,” claims Beanie Counter, the State Comptroller.  “A complex murder-suicide inside the classroom could’ve cost the state millions in litigation, so really, his action of calling in sick is truly admirable.  I personally have nominated him for Teacher of the Year.”

“This is a great day for education,” adds  Dr. Jen Touchyfeely, Professor of Emotional Studies in California.  “Who could calculate the emotional toll a complex murder-suicide would have had on the students, teachers, and administrators who survived the attack?  Burntout is an inspiration to all of us.”

Dr. Lottastatz of the Center for Researching Research also hails Mr. Burntout’s actions as heroic:

“The numbers are quite clear.  99.9% of all teachers today contemplate murder, suicide, or murder-suicide on a daily basis.  The remaining .1% have been on the job for less than a week, so his actions provide hope to all that a day of lounging on the couch can be a healthy outlet for teachers who have to deal with the dumbest generation in American history.  I’m not just speaking in anecdotal terms here, either.  The research shows that without their smart phones and laptops, these kids would get lost in their own bedrooms.”

Even Mr. Burntout’s students condone his actions, as illustrated by Natalie Erehead, class valedictorian and student in Burntout’s AP American History during fourth block.

“Like, really, it was so much easier to text with the sub in the room.  Mr. Burntout knows all our little tricks, so it was a great stress relief for all of us not to have to come up with new ways to hide our phones instead of listening to stories that have nothing to do with Lady GaGa or ‘Jersey Shore.’  I hope…”

At that, her phone buzzed and Erehead’s eyes glazed over as she frantically typed her response to a message about the socks a sophomore had worn that day.

“Can you believe someone wore matching socks on Mismatch Monday?  Stupid sophomores.”

The Bureau of Educational Bureaucracy even supports Mr. Burntout’s sick day.  In a recent press conference, the BEB hails him as the best and brightest of all teachers today, putting the needs of the system above his own desires to strangle a student.  In its statement, the BEB describes how murdered students do not count at the end of the year, so by taking a day off, Mr. Burntout kept the passing ratio above Federal guidelines, thus ensuring funding for his school.

“I don’t feel like a hero,” Burnout says.  “I’m just one of many dedicated teachers trapped in a broken system, but I really enjoyed the ‘Law and Order’ marathon.  They showed some old episodes when Michael Moriarty was still the Assistant DA.  Those are my favorites.  The show was much grittier back then.  If you’ll excuse me, I have a stack of tests to grade, and the BEB gets awfully upset if I don’t accept answers that Snooki led the march for women’s rights.”

With that, I left Mr. Burntout to his work, grateful to know that our nation’s future is in the hands of so many dedicated professionals.

Editor’s Note: the BEB has read and approved this message as a positive portrayal of the All Children Left Behind and Race to a Stop Acts.

Humor

Rush Limbaugh Ramblings

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Warning: potentially offensive material ahead.

BREAKING NEWS:  In a press conference from his corporate headquarters in Toledo, Ohio this morning, Satan announced that he has completed construction on his “special place” in hell for the king of shock-jocks, Rush Limbaugh.  Though vague on all the details, the devil did describe that Limbaugh will be required to wait tables for an exclusive clientele of well-educated, African-American women, will be denied access to all forms of pain medication, and will have to listen to a non-stop loop of Yanni’s Greatest Hits.  Satan assured the liberal media in attendance that Limbaugh’s hearing will be restored to full health upon his arrival in the underworld.

“We all know there have been worse people in the history of humanity,” the Prince of Darkness stated.  “Hitler comes to mind, as does Pol Pot, but from his overt racism, misogyny, homophobia, and megalomania, Limbaugh has earned this little corner of hell.”

After the press conference, the devil fielded questions from the biased journalists on hand, most of whom pleaded for more details about Limbaugh’s pending punishments.

“Look, I can’t give away too many of the family secrets,” Satan responded.  “We’ve been in the business of torturing twisted souls for thousands of years, but recently, there’s been an upswing in competition from international conglomerates.  I have to protect my proprietary property or risk falling behind in this increasingly crowded field.  But I can assure you, Rush will spend all of eternity with smoldering cigars wedged between the fatty folds of his ass cheeks.  That’s as much detail as I’m going to give, so don’t ask again.”

After the press conference, I scurried to South Carolina to get the reaction of Joseph Cartwright III, himself a long-time conservative talk radio host and blogger.

“Well, you know, when the advertising dollars start to dry up, you’re done in this business,” Cartwright said.  “I guess Rush will have to pay for no longer making lots of people lots of money.”

Confused and bewildered, I stared blankly.

“It’s simple, really,” he continued, noticing my expression.  “As long as hate speech is profitable, the powers that be turn a blind eye, but as soon as the money stops rolling in, everyone turns on you.  It’s a tough business, spreading hate and backwards thinking, but there is a lot of money to be made in stirring up the worst of people’s emotions.  Now that Rush is declining, I’m hoping for national syndication.”

Uncertain if Cartwright was onto something or completely insane, I headed to Mississippi to speak with Konrad K. Kristian, business leader and Tea Party activist.  If anyone understood Rush Limbaugh, it would be him.

“I just don’t know what to make of this here world,” Kristian said, tears in his eyes.  “Jesus was quite clear that we need to hate fags and coloreds, but now Rush is gonna be punished for following the Scriptures.  I just don’t understand.”

Touched by his display of compassion for a man doomed to an eternity of Yanni, I asked if he needed a moment.

“No, I’ll pray about this tonight, and I’m certain tomorrow we’ll find out this was all just a hoax by them liberal media bastards.  They’re out to get all us who follow the Word of hating them that ain’t right, and I know the good Lord will clear this right up.”

Editor’s Note:  Any reference to Satan, the devil, the Prince of Darkness, and hell was approved by Eternal Damnation, Inc. of Toledo, Ohio.  No part of this article may be reprinted or reproduced whatsoever without a blood-signed, notarized release from EDI and an official sacrifice of a virgin goat under a waning crescent moon.