Category Archives: Humor

Humor

Clueless Ramblings

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Not too long ago, I got to interview a group of college students who were enraged over what they felt was an important issue.  The students, ranging in ages from 18-21, all belonged to PETA (for those of you who don’t know, that’s People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) and were students at the University of California at Berkley.  When I met up with them, they were preparing to embark on an important journey.  I asked them to explain their choices.

“Well, like, we were watching videos on You Tube,” said Toby McNoclue.  “And we came across this nature video.  It was disturbing.”

“Yeah,” added Jessica Dogooder, jumping in.  “I couldn’t believe the cruelty.”

I probed deeper to get more answers.

“Like, there were these lions, and they were like totally eating this zebra,” interjected Holly Erehead.

“Yeah, and like that poor zebra was still alive and everything,” Bradley Gowidacrowd chimed in.  “It was completely gross. Really.”

“That poor zebra had feelings, and those lions just ignored the impact their actions were having on the zebra’s emotional state,” stated Dr. Jen TouchyFeely, faculty sponsor for the campus charter of PETA.  “These students are showing tremendous leadership by standing up for their ideals.”

I asked what the students planned to do.

“Well,” Jessica said, speaking for the group.  “We’re flying to Africa to form a protest against the lions, like, demanding that they totally respect other beings’ rights to life.

“We hope to convince the lions to stop eating that disgusting meat and become vegans like us,” Toby McNoclue added.

Concerned for their well-being, I asked the students if they believed that their protest was well thought through.

“You’re like just too close-minded to believe in the power of change,” Jessica Dogooder returned.  “It’s white bigots like you who totally trample the rights of other nationalities.”

Accepting their criticism with my usual Irish grace and composure, I wished the charming young folks well on their trip.

“You’ll see,” McNoclue said.  “Our generation is totally gonna change this world because we totally understand technology.  Like, when I was playing Farmville, I totally learned how to grow enough food to feed the entire world.”

The students all high-fived each other and their faculty sponsor and left for the airport.  Naturally, I returned to my close-minded existence in Tennessee, but I left the meeting feeling a little more optimistic about the future thanks to the wide-eyed wonder of young people with an optimistic vision of the future.

(Editor’s Note: This piece was composed several weeks ago and was set to run simultaneously with the students’ return from Africa this month.  However, our staff has been unable to reach any of the students in their remote village.  While neither Dr. TouchyFeely nor their parents have had any contact with any of the students since their plane first landed, she assures our staff that they are simply too focused on their good works to answer their phones, log into Facebook, or return emails.)

www.thirdaxe.com

Humor

Healthcare Ramblings

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Now that the first six provisions of healthcare reform are enforceable laws, I decided to take a look at how these provisions are affecting those at the highest end of the economic spectrum.  I traveled to Minneapolis, MN and sat down with Iwanna Getindempokets, the largest shareholder of United Health Group.  I first asked how the new laws had affected him professionally.

“It’s very difficult to explain,” he said.  “Before, our job was so easy.  Someone got sick, we dropped them from coverage.  We didn’t have to worry about taking care of ill people.  Now, we can’t just collect monthly premiums.  We actually have to look at the costs of healthcare.  It’s so time-consuming.”

As a healthcare consumer, I asked him if he thought healthcare insurance providers had an obligation to make sure their customers received the services they paid for monthly.

He stared at me blankly.

I rephrased the question and asked if healthcare insurance providers should pay claims.

“We’re in the business of making money,” Getindempokets responded, becoming agitated.  “How can we make money if we have to spend money?”

Seeing his agitation, I grew concerned for his well-being, so I asked him how the reform had affected him personally.

“It’s been hell,” he said, a tear forming.  “My wife is so worried about the dip in profits, she’s actually cancelled her plans to buy our third vacation home.  It was going to be in Costa Rica, but that won’t happen now.”

He paused and took a deep breath.

“The worst, though, is how all of this has affected my daughter.  She’s my only child, you know.  When things affect you and your spouse, that’s one thing, but when things affect your children, it cuts more deeply.

“My daughter’s dream was to be the world’s first trillionaire.  She had her heart set on it, but thanks to the selfishness of so many Americans, that probably won’t happen.”

As a parent, part of me empathized with him.

“Paris Hilton has gotten to follow her dream of being a coked-out international slut.  Why can’t my daughter have her dream of being a trillionaire?  It’s just not fair.”

He paused, and his pained expression became one of anger.

“I’ll never forgive President Obama for signing those provisions into law.  That ni…uh…socialist has no right to make big business provide the goods and services for which it charges hefty sums.  This country is moving in the wrong direction.”

With that, his Blackberry went off, and he motioned for me to leave his office.  As I exited the luxury suites of the executive floor, I couldn’t help but wonder if the evil socialists in Washington could sleep at night, knowing how they had trampled the dreams of a little girl.

Humor

Education Ramblings

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Recently, I got the opportunity to testify before a congressional sub-sub-committee meeting on education reform.  Since elections are just around the corner, the representatives wanted to accomplish something positive before adjourning for their fall respite.  The following is a transcript of our meeting:

Delaware (D):  As chair of this sub-sub-committee, I call this meeting to order.  Massachusetts, you have the floor.

Massachusetts (D):  Mr. Adams, what do you see as the biggest need in our education system?

DA:  Well, students need…

Texas (R):  I object to that question on grounds that it promotes a socialist agenda.

Massachusetts (D):  According to recent f***ing polls, Americans rank education as important.  The question is f***ing valid.

DA:  Students need…

Utah (R):  The only problem with education is that students no longer say “One nation, under God.”  If we just added that back in, all of our problems would vanish.

Florida (D):  Separation of Church and State!

California (D):  We should convene a sub-sub-sub-committee to examine the effects of separating church and state on students’ emotional needs.

Texas (R):  That’s socialism if I ever heard it!

DA:  Students need…

Minnesota (D):  I’m certain that you’ve thoroughly researched your prepared testimony before arriving at this meeting.  Could you just forward a synopsis to my office so that my assistants can review your findings and brief me?

Kansas (R):  We need to remove any reference to science from our textbooks so that we can get back to being the world standard for education.

Massachusetts (D):  Are you f***ing stupid?  That doesn’t even make any f***ing sense.

Texas (R):  If you weren’t such a lily-livered, godless commie socialist, it might.

California (D):  We need to establish a sub-sub-sub-committee to explore the emotional toll of removing science from textbooks.

DA:  If I could just say…

Vermont (D):  I think we should table this agenda point until our next session after the elections.  My polls indicate that the public opposes the president on this issue, and I don’t want to seem in allegiance with him.

Texas (R):  Yeah, let’s table this here dogie until the herd is driven to market.

Massachusetts (D):  You a f***ing Harvard grad.  You wouldn’t know a f***ing dogie from a Volkswagon.

Texas (R):  That’s a Nazi car.  I knew the president was just like Hitler.

Delaware (D):  Unfortunately, our time is up.  Mr. Adams, your input has been insightful.  Thank you for your time.

I left the meeting proud to be an American.