Please Forward to All Faculty Effective Immediately:
Due to increased the standards of the All Children Left Behind and Race to a Stop Acts, the Bureau of Educational Bureaucracy has implemented the following guidelines for evaluating student performance. All faculty members must adhere to these guidelines without question in order to improve our educational rankings among developed nations.
Section 1 – Does the student attend class regularly and refrain from disruptive behavior? If yes, refer to Article 1-.01A. If no, refer to Section 2.
Section 2 – Does the student attend class semi-regularly and refrain from drooling while asleep and/or defecating themselves during class time? If yes, refer to Article 2-.02A. If no, refer to Section 3.
Section 3 – Does the defecation have a foul odor? If yes, refer to Article 3-.o3A. If no, refer to Section 4.
Section 4 – Is the student armed? If yes, refer to Section 5. If no, refer to Section 6.
Section 5 – Is the student a proficient marksman? If yes, refer to Article 2-.o2A. If no, refer to Article 3-.o3A.
Section 6 – Has the instructor made every attempt to meet the emotional needs of the student? If yes, refer to Section 7. If no, refer to Article 2-.o2A.
Section 7 – Has the instructor simplified the material adequately to engage students on their level of proficiency? If yes, refer to Article 3-.o3A. If no, refer to Section 8.
Section 8 – Has the instructor attempted doing the work for the students? If yes, refer to Article 3-.o3A. If no, please report to the Bureau of Educational Bureaucracy for immediate reassignment.
Article 1-.01A – Pass them with an A.
Article 2-.o2A – Pass them with an A.
Article 3-.o3A – Convince them to withdraw from the institution so their numbers don’t count against us.
Remember, student performance is a direct reflection on your ability to teach. Following these guidelines will make you a more efficient teacher and improve the long-term sustainability of our workforce development.