BREAKING NEWS: Today, millions of Republicans enter walk-in clinics to request anti-depressants as they begin to accept Mitt Romney will be their nominee for president.
“Well, I for one was hoping for someone who’s actually a conservative,” says Joseph Cartwright III, conservative talk-radio host and active blogger, as he nursed a bottle of double-malt scotch. “Romney just doesn’t seem to hate enough sub-groups for my taste. He’s so wishy-washy on gays, abortion, and minorities. We need leadership with a deeply-rooted animosity towards these fringes if we’re ever going to get back to the good old days. At least Romney seems to hate the average American, so that’s something to work with, I guess. Also, he’s white, so that’s an upgrade.”
Other Republicans, especially Tea Party members, are more scathing.
“I’m just ordnary folk,” claims Cletus McOnetooth, after crushing a beer can on his forehead. “I want pollytishuns like me running this here country. Like Sarah Palin. Where’d she go? I don’t know the difference between North and South Korea, either, so she’s my kind of girl. Give me guns and Bibles, not this Ivy League sissy. I ain’t voting for nobody till she’s back in the race. I will give him this, at least he’s white, even if he is a Yankee.”
“Now that Romney is almost guaranteed the nomination,” states Dr. Fullofshitz of Fox News. “Our data show that Republicans are 97.8% fully supporting him. We at Fox News have been behind Romney all along because we’ve recognized his whiteness from day one.”
“Dr. Fullofshitz is full of shit,” counters Dr. Lottastatz of the Center for Researching Research. “The data to which he’s referring shows that 97.8% of Republicans are begrudgingly accepting Romney despite prior affinities for Cain, Paul, Bachmann, and Santorum, and nearly 75% of those Republicans gauge their feelings for Romney as ‘Lukewarm’ at best. Where do they get this bullshit?”
“Dr. Lottastatz is clearly a socialist,” retorts Dr. Fullofshitz. “He’s part of the liberal elite who want to muddle simple facts with sophisticated nuances to confuse the average voter. The Republican Party and Fox News fully endorse Mitt Romney’s whiteness.”
However, the mood at Romney’s headquarters can be described as joyously optimistic.
“The campaign clearly has some strong momentum now these pesky ‘other’ nominees have been out-spent to the point of oblivion,” states an anonymous insider of the Romney campaign. “We’re now going to rally the conservative base and appeal to independents by spending millions of dollars on advertising that gets to the core of our message. Here let me show you.”
With that he held up the prototype for the campaign’s general election poster:
MITT ROMNEY: AT LEAST I’M WHITE
Editor’s Note: This entry in no way implies that the Tea Party and/or the Republican Party dislike President Obama based solely on the issue of race. Any inference of that on your part indicates that you, in-fact, are a reverse-racist with clear ties to the former Soviet Union and were born from a test-tube.
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