One of the things I despised about graduate school was the pettiness.  Everyone there, myself included, was so desperate to prove their intelligence and their ability that we had no sense of camaraderie or community.  Most of my professors were even worse than the students.  Most had long given up their authenticity and had settled into comfortable positions of stifled creativity.  I left graduate school in Memphis feeling like I was a talentless wannabe who had no voice worth sharing.  Now, as an educator, I can honestly say that graduate school for me was the opposite of what education should be.  Instead of bringing out my best, it tried to snuff out my spirit.

Last weekend, I returned to Memphis as a published novelist, albeit an independent, with two books on the market, and I was surrounded by other writers, artists, musicians, and creative people.  At the convention, we shared ideas, hung out, laughed, cut up, played jokes, and had fun.  Sure, there were moments of pettiness and occasional pockets of jealousy, but those were the exception.  For the most part, every convention I’ve attended has been a celebration of creativity and art that leaves me feeling rejuvenated.  By far, the majority of other writers I’ve met are supportive and encouraging, and at nearly every show, I’ve shared ideas and learned something about the craft and business of writing.

That’s why I love conventions.  They give me something that graduate school never did — a sense of community.  Eleven years ago, I left Memphis with a broken spirit and a crushed self-esteem.  Sunday, I left with a feeling that I’m doing what I’m meant to do, and that feeling was a much better, much healthier state of mind.  One day, I may finally let go of my anger and pain from what graduate school did to me, but for now, I’ll settle for this feeling.  Life is beautiful.

www.thirdaxe.com

The weekend trip to MidSouthCon in Memphis was great.  My only complaint is that I didn’t get to come earlier and stay longer to visit the city a little more.  Anyone who has lived there will know what I mean when I say that even though it’s a hard place to live, it’s an enchanting city that stirs my creative juices and recharges my batteries.  I couldn’t live there again, but visiting every year is cool.

The convention was terrific this year.  I don’t want to thank any individual for fear of forgetting someone important, but the show was definitely the best year I’ve attended, so thank you to everyone who played a part in putting it together.  I loved being on my panels with so many talented, creative people, and I loved the quality of the audience members who challenged us to meet their expectations.  Each year, I leave MidSouthCon feeling more validated in my writing career, and that’s a nice feeling to have.

This year also marked a first for Third Axe Media and myself.  This was the first time we sold more copies of Red Sky at Dawn than The Brotherhood of Dwarves at an individual event, and overall, sales were pretty strong.  That’s a pretty big milestone and signifies that people liked the first book well enough to get the second, and while it has taken some time to get to this point, it’s definitely a nice moment to enjoy.  I’m still a long way from where I want to be, but it’s nice to see some movement in the right direction.

One last thought about the weekend — I got to spend a lot of time with my good friend Stephen Zimmer.  He’s a fascinating guy and very talented in many facets.  I’m glad he introduced himself  at Hypericon last year and am grateful for his friendship.  He’s just a good person all around, and I’m lucky to count him as a friend.

www.thirdaxe.com

I’m packing and getting ready to leave for MidSouthCon in Memphis, one of my most favorite shows.  Returning to Memphis is always special to me because of my connections to the city.  My undergraduate years were some of the best of my life, and there are parts of the city that are as much my home as anywhere else.

Earlier this week, I went to see my sons and spend a little time with them.  Seeing their little smiles and hearing their laughter are two of the greatest joys in my life.  Whenever we are together, it’s as if we haven’t been apart.  They are both as comfortable with me as they are with their mom, and of all my accomplishments, that’s the one of which I’m most proud:  I can take care of my children all on my own.

I’m often very critical of other guys who don’t take care of their kids, and during the drive back this time, I had a bit of an epiphany as to why they offend me so badly.  Physically, each trip to see my sons takes a tremendous toll on me.  The trips are also emotionally draining.  I don’t ever have much money, so they are also a financial burden.  But somehow, I find a way to get there and back and spend real quality time with my sons.  If I can travel over a thousand miles round trip for my kids, anyone can find a way to spend time with theirs.

The epiphany I had was more about the spiritual side of these trips.  Despite the physical toll, they always leave me feeling more fulfilled, and the reason why has little to do with me and nearly all to do with them.  My sons will always have proof of my love for them because they will remember these times with me.  They won’t ever have to wonder why they weren’t worthy of my attention.  In the long run, they will be happier, more well-adjusted people because I’m sacrificing part of me in the short run, and that’s what parenting is all about.  The guys who don’t make the sacrifice piss me off because their children are the ones who suffer.  I’ve seen firsthand the wounds people carry when they don’t have a relationship with their fathers — alcoholism, anxiety, neurosis, and low self-esteem for starters.  The guys who would sentence their own flesh and blood to that because it’s inconvenient or painful to find the time or energy or money to spend time with them are pathetic excuses for human beings and have my utter contempt.

If you’re one of these scum, grow a soul or a spine, whichever you’re missing, and be a part of your children’s lives.