Over the summer, for the first time in my life, I got a little taste of what it would be like to have the opportunity to live just as a writer.  I didn’t have to take on a part-time job to survive, and for about six weeks, all I had to worry about was writing and promoting.  It was an amazing experience.  For that six weeks, I was happy.  There was little stress and little tension, and I was very productive.  I saw how my life could be if I can ever get that break that gets my books popular enough to be self-sustaining.

Now that school has started back, I’m suddenly overwhelmed with stress.  The teaching side of things is wonderful.  I have good students who seem to want to learn and grow, but as has always been my complaint with the system, the bureaucratic side of things — the endless piles of redundant paperwork, the endless stream of meetings, the endless wheel-spinning of committees — sucks the life and joy straight out of the job.  Around the watering hole, most of us discuss this and agree that the system as it stands in 2009 is hopelessly broken.  Service to the students, in-class focus, and education itself has been lost in this deluge of bureaucracy.

It’s really a shame, too.  Once upon a time, I loved teaching.  Not so long ago, I felt like I could’ve been happy living out my days in classroom and passing on my knowledge about language to my students.  Now, I feel as if the job is strangling me, and if I don’t find the way to make my writing profitable enough to survive off of soon, I will fade into oblivion from the overwhelming insanity of the system.

Dragon*Con is next weekend, and it is the first step in this transition.  I hope to make a few contacts there and gain a lot more exposure for my series.  I’m feeling the pressure of it, too.  This is a crossroads in my life, a fairly major one that only comes along a handful of times at most, and I have to be on top of my game next weekend.  I have to make a good showing for myself and Third Axe Media so that I can begin to move away from the shackles of our current educational system.  From that pressure, I’m pretty nervous, and people who know me well should know that I don’t get nervous often.  Normally, I’m fairly calm, laid-back, take-it-as-it-comes kind of guy, but right now, I’m about as anxious as I’ve ever been.  Once I get there, I’ll be okay, but this is going to be a long week.

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My oldest son started kindergarten this morning.  He’s attending a very nice school and should receive a world class education over the next several years.  I’m happy and excited for him and about as proud as I can be.  He will be a good student once he connects his natural curiosity with the knowledge available to him via the teachers.  He’s a pretty bright kid and will probably develop into a musician or an actor, something that involves performance.

I wish I could’ve been there to walk him inside and give him a big hug and kiss.  I wish I could’ve seen the look of wonder, excitement, fear, and uncertainty in his brown eyes.  I wish I could’ve told him that he was going to do great, that everything was going to be fine, and that he would be going home at the end of the day.  But I’m 500 miles away and have to work.

I would’ve settled for talking to him over the phone, telling him those things, soothing his fears, and conveying my pride.  A phone call would’ve at least let him know that daddy was there with him, thinking about him and encouraging him to do well.  A phone call wouldn’t have been perfect, but it would’ve sufficed.

Unfortunately, his mother chose not to let me be a part of this morning.  In her skewed view of our rights as parents, she believed it better to leave me out until this evening.  I have my own theories as to her motives, but I won’t share them here.  I will say that I will never forgive her for denying me my right to be a part of his life.  Nothing will ever give me back this morning.  It’s a milestone that happens only once.  Sure, there will be other milestones, but to a professional educator and a good father, this one was pretty special to me.

There simply aren’t words for how hurt and angry I am.

Well, I’m back in class for the semester, which means book three will have to take a backseat for a bit.  I’m starting a new adventure in my teaching career this year; I’m teaching dual enrollment classes at Seymour High School.  It’s a college level writing course, but the class is in the high school and follows the high school schedule.  That’s completely new to me.  I’ve taught in different formats on the college level, but I’ve never had this kind of schedule before.  In some ways, it’s a little easier, but it presents a unique set of challenges.

So far, I like it.  The students are the best of the school, and the administration and high school teachers are very supportive and encouraging.  Hopefully, once I get used to the schedule and the pacing, I’ll feel at ease with it, but right now, I’m still apprehensive about the adjustments I’m having to make to my own style and habits.  After nine years of doing things a certain way at my old job, it’s hard to let go of some of my ways, but in order to grow as a teacher and be effective with these students, I need to adapt to my new environment.

On another front, Dragon*Con is getting close, and I’m getting nervous.  I know I belong there, but it’s a big step up for me, and I hope I can make a good showing for myself and Third Axe Media.  I’m sure I’ll write more about this in the next few days.

www.thirdaxe.com