The Ramblings of D. A. Adams, using award winning investigatory journalistic techniques such as surfing the internet and reading anonymous forwarded emails, has unearthed a shocking story of epic proportions that threatens to crumble the very foundations of our republic.
The Twilight saga is a covert plot by the Chinese to drive Americans insane.
Shocked and appalled that such a masterpiece of literary and cinematic genius could be a weapon of international espionage, I rushed to Washington to learn more about this unfolding crisis.
“The numbers are quite clear,” claims Dr. Lottastatz of the Center for Researching Research. “Since the release of the first Twilight book in 2005, levels of insanity in America are up 275%. With the release of each subsequent book and movie, we see a clear upward trend in the data. It’s quite alarming.”
Concerned for national security, I hurried to the CIA to speak with my inside source within the intelligence community.
“We’ve known about this plot since as early as [classified],” states [classified]. “Stephenie Meyer’s real name is Som Dom Chik, and she entered this country on a work visa in [classified] and assimilated into American culture. We only learned of the plot in [classified] because [classified classified classified classified classified]. As you can see, it’s quite alarming.”
Unnerved by this top secret information, I hurried to Jones Creek, Georgia, home of Morbul Shidinski, currently America’s foremost literary scholar and critic, hoping her insights could help unravel this conspiracy.
“Contextually speaking, on a surface level, the Twilight series seems to be what we deem ‘purple prose.’ However, after deconstructing the sub-contextual layers, we find an intricate web of literary devices layered together in a specific chronology that is ideal for evoking a negative psychological reaction, known clinically as Sparkle Induced Psychosis, in its readers. Furthermore, the true brilliance of the work is that these devices are so powerful that one does not necessarily have to read the text to be affected by them. Merely hearing them described by an infected person is enough to render an otherwise sane individual completely bonkers.”
Now terrified for the future of this great nation, I raced back to Washington and the Center for Researching Research, seeking an antidote for this growing pandemic.
“As of now, we’ve only found one way to reverse the psychosis, but it’s controversial, to say the least,” states Dr. Lottastatz. “The subjects we’ve tested who were exposed to Sparkle Induced Psychosis respond positively when forced to watch reruns of The Munsters non-stop for 72 hours. Apparently, the creators of that show were aware that the Soviets had originally designed the Twilight Plan in the 50’s and created Herman Munster as a counter-measure. Fred Gwynne was secretly a CIA operative who developed a comedic styling that numbs the frontal lobe, decreasing levels of psychosis. We have a contingency plan in place to have every TV channel to run episodes of The Munsters non-stop for two weeks. It may be our only hope.”
Editor’s Note: Due to the highly classified nature of this information, no portion of this article has been verified or confirmed by anyone, anywhere.